Boundaries, or: If you let them, they'll walk all over you

A member of my forum, Cani, recently made two excellent posts on personal boundaries (part one, part two). This inspired me to not only think about personal boundaries in relation to picking up women, about which I'll have more to say further down, but also about one source for the often fairly inappropriate behavior you witness from girls, and the sad fact that guys willingly tolerate it, or even think it's "normal".

One of the most striking observations to make in the Western world is indeed that far too many men are willing to let women walk all over them. Part of it is surely due to the mainstream media not only bashing men and spreading lies like the gender pay gap myth. Even worse is that it is nowadays the rule rather than the exception to depict men as fumbling idiots in TV shows, movies, and commercials.

However, if you have ever worked with women in a field that required a modicum of logic, you will have made the conclusion that it is women who often seem severely challenged when it comes to tasks that requires some degree of abstract thinking. No, I am not saying that they are all stupid, and we men without exceptions reincarnations of Isaac Newton. However, you will normally find that women argue in a more irrational manner, which does make them much less suited for some jobs (and of course better suited for others).

But turn on the TV, and you'll find that we men serve as the laughing stock. For starters, check out this compilation of TV spots from world-leading ad agency BBDO:

Of course, we men are all fucking idiots:

This Verizon spot made me puke too:

There are commercial reasons why man-bashing is so prevalent, and it is because women spend more money than men. I was about to write that female spending powers have increased (which is partly true), but female spending often means taking out loans for reasons of conspicuous consumptions. Of course, frivolous consumption in the present leads to severe problems later on, when they'll find that a nest egg might have been more worthwhile than spending money on $400 shoes in their 20s.

While the advertising industry and their clients, i.e. big corporations, do have sound reasons (for them) to flatter the female ego, the consequences are certainly less than favourable. Women adopt a bizarre sense of entitlement, and men think they have to cater to a woman's fickle emotions. It's no surprise that many women, who may more or less successfully fulfill their role at work, behave pretty much like spoilt children in private. Ask any man who has dated a few women, and he'll agree.

If you let them, women will simply walk all over you. For this reason, it is mandatory to draw a line. If a woman insults you, a concept that the "seduction community" calls a "shit test", you put her in her place, and you certainly don't reward her behavior by continuing the interaction ("plowing", in community terms). Just think about what this says about her character, and about yours too!

A second and very common example is that she shows up way too late. About this I have read some of the worst advice imaginable. First, by showing up, say, half an hour late, she tries to figure out how much shit you are willing to take. After about ten minutes, you should already be on your way. Ideally, you schedule your dates in such a way that the time investment for you is minimal anyway (like in a café close to your apartment, or your workplace), and you can easily walk off.

On the other hand, if you just sit there, waiting (I've heard stories of people who were waiting for their dates for up to an hour and then told the girl that it was "no problem at all"), you give off all the wrong signals. One is that you apparently don't value your time at all, but much worse is that you indicate that she can already dictate the terms of the interaction, even though you hardly know her. Basically, you've got "TOOL" written all over your forehead.

Some women just flake, in which case it is best to just forget about her. She'll only deserve a second chance if she has a really good explanation, and is more proactive, too. I personally recommend raising the stake and accepting nothing less than movie or cooking at your place.

However, "community wisdom" disagrees. Once I read, I think it was a David DeAngelo piece of advice, that you should then call her up and play the "Sorry, I was late gambit". Ludicrous! She flaked on you. You waited for an hour until you realize that she probably won't come, but instead of just forgetting about her, some "guru" tells you that you should give her another chance. To make it less awkward for her, you are supposed to tell her that you are sorry for not showing up because of, I don't know, an important business meeting or so (DHV! DHV!). This is downright pathetic, and will only further reinforce that you've got no spine.

In life, you have to figure out for yourself how much abuse you are willing to take. As you have surely noticed, some people will ruthlessly exploit you if you don't draw a line early, and don't kid yourself that it will automatically get better after a while. Just like your boss might at first ask you to stay "half an hour" longer one day, this will eventually grow to one or two hours, and eventually be expected of you. Similarly, a woman might at first ask you for a bit of cash here and there, but once she has tested the water, she'll go all out and wreak havoc on your finances. No, not all will. Just as there are decent employers, so are there good, decent women out there. But not all of them are.